What I’ve noticed when I don’t write blogs in some time, is that I experience a kind of ‘sharing block’, or rather, an ‘expression block’ where – when I sit down and decide to write, I immediately start going through points in my head looking for something to start with. Should I share something from my personal life process I’ve been walking since I blogged last? Should I write about a current event? And I start going over all the possible topics, which I notice I am looking at from the starting point of ‘okay I want to start with a topic / point that I am satisfied with, something that will set the stage for the next blog, and the next blog. Basically, going into an emotion of feeling ‘behind’ with sharing the insights / realizations I have, and wanting to ‘catch up’.
Interestingly though, many times when this kind of block or resistance happens after postponing sharing, I realize after I actually start writing, that the actual relevant point to write about – was my experience of postponement itself. That’s the funny thing about the mind – when you’re busy trying to do things from the starting point of an idea based on self judgments, wants, desires, comparison – like ‘I should write about this because I’m behind in sharing about that topic’, for example — you don’t see the reality of what’s going on in your mind in that moment – which is that you’re accessing an idea instead of really working with what is HERE self honestly.
So, I’m writing this blog to get myself out of that ‘block’ experience, and letting go of the ideas and thoughts about what to write.
This actually opens up a point which I realized some time ago, which is that when I’m not moving myself in self expression, living fully in every moment within taking the opportunities that open up during my day to share, participate, develop — then I’m not giving life to myself as who I really am as self expression of me as Life. And, within this, since I’m not living fully – not giving life to myself, expressing ME – I’ll go into a kind of subtle ‘low’ experience underlying my day, and in this subtle low / subtle ‘less than’ experience, my mind will activate the desire to seek out a point of stimulation – a way to stimulate a momentary ‘high’ / ‘more than’ experience – as for instance you’d get when you are participating in a fantasy, playing a game, watching a movie, etc, or , typically what I’ll do is busy myself with a project that doesn’t involve sharing so I don’t have to face that block, where I’ll actually justify this with ‘well I’m using my time to work on / develop this project, which is important, so – it’s fine, I’ll get to the sharing point later. Which of course, is just postponement. But in this postponement, as long as I’m ‘busying myself’, I can, for a moment move out of that ‘low’ experience, and I’m now ‘experiencing something!’
But also within this, I know I’m not really satisfied because I KNOW I’m postponing, so I still have that background ‘low experience’, which opens up little moments of temptation to stimulate myself in my mind with fantasies or spending too much time on entertainment, so I can move back into the positive.
So the lesson I’ve learned within this is that where there is no self expression – where there is postponement, suppression, self neglect – where there is no real self movement of the REAL me as the being within my body, here as a breath – the mind activates and starts the process of generating the fake version of self expression / living, which is just positive experiences – in polarity with that starting point negative / low experience.
So, it always comes down to the question of – am I giving life to myself? Am I creating me through self expression / as self expression? Or am I creating myself as a system, as defined by the ‘movement’ between negative/positive/low/high?