Day 274: Stuck in the Comfort Zone
In my last post I started describing the point of change that I’m facing, which is to really live fully in taking action to create an effective life for myself — which, within how the world exists at the moment, starts with establishing financial stability. And, in my case, in order to really make the best use of the time I have in this life, in the journey to bring about a world that is best for all, I require a substantial income. Establishing this substantial income requires that I step outside of my comfort zone – which, has always been a challenge for me in my life, in regards to jobs and making money.
In the last post I described how fear of failure plays a role in the resistance I experience toward taking effective action and stopping postponement, but I would say that the actual primary experience that I see I allow to stand in my way, is the experience of apathy. I developed an apathy toward the effort and time commitment and risk taking required with really getting myself ‘into the system’ effectively. This is primarily because I had always had a desire to pursue creativity within me, and yet I didn’t have the patience to wait and deal with jobs, college, rules, qualifications — I wanted to be able to do it ‘now’, and I tended to view the system, to view the requirement of making money, as a limitation being placed on me, and I had the idea that there must be ‘some other way’ of being able to live my life — some other way that supports me in my – I would call it ‘free spiritidness’. In looking at this, I would say I always had the view of myself, the idea of myself that I am ‘unique’, and that I am not ‘made for this world’, and so always expected and believed there ‘must be another way’.
So, looking at this idea of myself as ‘unique’, and ‘not made for this world’, I can see this has played the primary role in me forming an apathetic experience toward work, toward rules, toward the time and effort and dedication and discipline required to really get to a point of effective income in this system.
It’s interesting because at the farm one time, Bernard asked me what very creative and expressive people like Freddy Mercury and Eminem had in common in their lives. I didn’t immediately have an answer. Bernard pointed out that what they had in common is that — they LIVED.
Since he pointed out this point, my perspective changed, and I’ve since seen the point of how, if I really am dedicated to my self expression — I mean, I will do whatever it takes to express myself — I’ll get out there and I’ll go for it and I will give it my ALL. This was always something that was missing from myself in my life. I never had a real goal, I never had much motivation. I tended to spend more time imagining what things could be like, rather than really living. And now, I can see this is primarily because of the idea of myself that I am ‘unique’, and ‘not made for this world’, and that ‘there must be another way for ME’. And I can see how this idea of myself has still been here within me, resulting in me still tending to go into a position of judgment and blame toward ‘the system’, and going into like, a depressive point where I have no motivation.
So in the next post, I’ll walk Self Forgiveness on this idea of myself, and see what self corrections open up from there.