In this post I’m having a look at one of my ‘spiritual experiences’ that is a perfect example of how, in ‘looking back’ at my life as a ‘lightworker’, shows how spirituality never assisted me in any way to develop Self Honesty.
At one stage I became fascinated with books and websites about ‘Ascended Masters’ – describing highly ‘spiritually advanced’ people, some of which had, because of their ‘higher consciousness’ lived for hundreds of years in one lifetime on earth apparently, and who, when they are done on earth, ‘ascend’ into the afterlife without physically dying – basically, they would vanish and go to ‘higher realms’ of light and love, acting as ‘saints’ that one can pray to and ‘invoke’ and ask of them to send you protective energies and guidance associated with specific themes like ‘love’, ‘compassion’, ‘christ’, etc.
These ascended masters would usually be associated with specific colors, as well as a specific style of clothing, and in the paintings and drawings I saw, were depicted as being of various races and skin colors.
One of these ascended masters I particularly liked was ‘st germain’. St. germain was described as being a man who lived an unusually long lifetime some hundreds of years ago, and eventually left the earth into some ‘higher dimension’, but who, according to various channelers, was now incarnate as a young man doing ‘spiritual work’ in the united states. When I read this I immediately thought that maybe I am st. germain, and that I am in the process of remembering that I am him, as I am walking my ‘lightworker’ / ‘ascending being’ path. This immediately made me feel very important and I thought maybe it really is possible – mostly because, fascinatingly, I resembled some of the paintings and drawings of st. germain. He was usually depicted as being fair haired, with a small goatee and european facial features, and was also called the ‘lavender lad’, because he liked to wear lavender colored capes and clothing.
After reading about st germain and thinking that maybe I am him in another incarnation, I grew my beard out into a goatee and cut my hair to resemble the hairstyle he had in the pictures. Then when I would look at myself in the mirror I would think – ‘wow, I really do look like him, maybe I am st. germain!’ I also started reading more about him to try and find some similarities between my current experience of my life and the current incarnation of st. germain described in channeled messages.
Sound ridiculous yet? Well fascinatingly, all I had done up to that point was follow the advice, suggestions, ‘wisdom’, and practices of new age, ascension, and spiritual masters and channeled beings. I meditated and visualized myself connecting with god and having light and love stream into me, and visualized this light and love streaming out into everyone in the world. I repeated ancient mantras, I prayed and send out my intention to the universe that I am here, ready and willing to carry out the divine plan and help uplift the earth and humanity into a new golden age of light, where everyone will be awakened to our oneness in god / creator / source / love, and associated myself only with positive, beautiful, spiritual words and thoughts. I started spreading the message of light and love, that we are all love and light and thus do not need to harm each other, and dedicated myself to helping those still trapped in the lower, dark vibrations to realize that they are the light and the love and the divine joy and bliss, and I felt strong feelings of love and compassion for all beings. And yet — somehow I did not have the self awareness, the self honesty to see that I was creating an idea in my mind that I am apparently this ‘ascended master’ called st. germain, simply because I looked like the pictures I saw, and was participating within spirituality. I mean, I did not even have the vocabulary to describe my own participate in my mind in creating beliefs, ideas, fantasies – I didn’t see it as ‘me imagining things’, I saw it as ‘me realizing things’. How is it that spirituality, which was apparently supposed to help human beings evolve into more advanced beings of care and love, supported me only in using knowledge and information and stories to develop my imagination in creating elaborate characters in my mind that I then believed is who I really am?
And I mean, I saw myself as possibly being this ‘ascended master’ – and yet, I did not even have sufficient skills and education to get a proper job to support myself and was limited to doing only that which I ‘want to do’, understood virtually nothing of how the economy works, how food production works, how our interdependent relationships with each other, animals, and nature works, how my own body works, understood nothing of how thoughts are created and where they come from, how feelings and emotions are created and where they come from, what actually in fact happens when I die — I mean, if the world had asked me – ‘st. germain, what do you propose to do to end poverty and starvation and war and to restore equilibrium within the relationship of humans, animals, and nature?’ – I would have had nothing to say but ‘we are all light, we are all one, we are all love, have positive intent, ask the universe for guidance, use the law of attraction to manifest your desires, pray to ufos to reveal themselves to you and take you away, meditate until your body dissolves and you appear in heaven, don’t focus on the problems of the world, focus on feelings of light and love and everything bad will vanish eventually’ — I mean seriously, this is the training I received through spirituality. Could such a person ever be called a ‘master’ of anything but self brainwashing and self bullshitting as self entertainment?
In my next post I will walk the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Commitment statements on these points.