I’m writing here about experiences I’ve had, which one will face even after applying Self Forgiveness, which can be difficult to walk through.
When I made the decision to stop smoking, I made the decision to give up the hope that I will be able to smoke again, which is really the point that must be considered when quitting something, is to also give up the hope / backdoor of being able to start again. And I did this ‘cold turkey’ as it is said. When I stopped smoking, within the next few days I began to face all the points as the ‘reasons’ I had wanted to smoke, other than the simple point of enjoying the physical act of smoking the cigarette.
I’m talking about all of the emotional / mental aspects of my experience of smoking. Yes at a basic level I enjoy the simple act of smoking a cigarette. But that’s not the point that was difficult to give up. That’s not the point that was the basis of my addiction to smoking. The basis of my addiction to smoking was an energetic experience I had designed around smoking, wherein when I was smoking, I could ‘enter’ an experience of ‘feeling better’, and ‘feeling comfortable with myself’, and ‘being okay with myself and my life’. I mean, those experience are not in fact caused by the cigarette itself, nor are they caused by the nicotine in the tobacco. The nicotine merely causes a physical sensation. My energetic experience of ‘feeling okay’ when I am smoking, was something that I designed myself – though not being aware of what I was doing, as I was designing this experience. I would smoke when I was in a social situation and felt awkward or had nothing to say – the smoking became a ‘veil’ to place myself behind, within situations in which I felt nervous, or did not know what to do with myself. I also used this veil of ‘feeling okay’, when I would fail at something, or experience that I had failed at something – I would ‘enter the veil’, and then feel better because ‘at least I have smoking’. So, what I in fact did was create a relationship to cigarettes within myself wherein I placed the cigarette / smoking as the source of ‘feeling better’, and ‘being okay with myself’ in tough situations — situations / scenarios in which I felt I was not capable of handling just ‘as myself’. The primary scenarios in which I used smoking as a way to ‘feel better’, and ‘be okay with myself’, was in social situations, wherein I used smoking as a way to blend in with the crowd — this being satisfying as in my earlier school years I always experienced myself as not fitting in, and it was difficult for me to interact with the ‘social groups’ that existed, because I never really fully shared their style or personality, but since I wanted to be accepted by the groups, I would try to speak like them or act like them, but they never fully accepted me as one of them. I experienced a kind of desperation of wanting to just be accepted by others. When I started smoking, I would then smoke whenever I found myself in a social situation or amongst the social groups that I was not really a part of. I found in this that I could be the ‘mysterious outsider’, and not really participate in the social group yet feel okay / not feel awkward because I could occupy myself with smoking – I could place myself behind a veil of smoking, and then it wouldn’t matter that I’m not really saying or doing what everyone else is doing because they see me just smoking and so I just ‘blend in’ – where the smoking was in essence my social camouflage.
So, what I experienced when I stopped smoking, was that I was very uncomfortable in social situations, meaning situations where I must interact with people – and the discomfort I experienced was that I loathed being in the situation, what came up was like this hatred of having to interact with other people. Now, this had developed because I had in the past never really found ‘my place’ within the social groups, and had experienced continual frustration with the whole ‘social group’ structure because I could never get people to accept me. So I developed this hatred toward socializing with others, and preferred to keep to myself, and when I would be with others I would prefer to smoke, so that I could have a way to related to others in social groups, or just hide comfortably within my veil of feeling okay as I am smoking.
So, in removing my ability to generate this veil, through stopping smoking — what came up was all the hatred, loathing, and frustration that I had actually suppressed through smoking. What I was facing was the point that in fact I had never found a solution to my frustration with interacting with others. And also the other primary point being that I used smoking to feel okay when I would fail at things – in particular making money / having an effective job. I had experienced similar frustration towards money and working as I had toward socializing and fitting in – where I felt like ‘nothing is considering what I want, and who I am – why can’t my world fit in with how I would like to experience myself? I basically developed an immense loathing and hatred toward everything I am ‘supposed to be doing’ in this world – having relationships and making money. And smoking became my way of coping with being in this world and doing the things I have to do, and coping with interacting with people. However, smoking obviously was never a real solution to my experience. I had merely created an energetic mental solution generated through smoking, through my relationship with smoking. And when I ‘broke up with’ smoking, lol, meaning when I stopped smoking, all of a sudden I no longer had a way to cope with being in this world, I no longer had a way to cope with frustrations, anger, loathing, hatred, and all of these emotions started to surface in my daily experience of walking my day.
Now, at first, all I had was the loathing, the hatred, the anger, which just rushed up to the surface and flooded me like water rushing to fill a riverbed after a dam has been removed. I did not at first understand exactly why I was experiencing these emotions, all this anger, this loathing, and hatred. It simply flooded into me and within this I then desperately wanted to smoke, to be able to calm myself. I mean, I realized I had been using smoking to suppress all this emotion, that was obvious, but I could seem to see exactly how and why all this emotion existed in me in the first place. It was only through beginning to write about my experience with smoking, tracing each emotion back to where I first started experiencing it in my life, that I began to see when and where I had developed the specific patterns of frustration, loathing, anger, hatred toward the specific points I’ve been discussing, and also see in the writing how I eventually designed smoking as an energetic experience, as a ‘veil’, that I then began to use as a way to suppress my emotions and ‘stabilize’ myself – with my stability actually coming from controlling my emotions – damming them up – using smoking. So, obviously what I realized in this is that I had just been suppressing, and that I had never dealt with all these points that were now coming up.
So, with the writing, I was able to begin assisting and supporting myself to see and realize, through mapping out my experience in words, what I was experiencing, and why, and when and how and where I had designed everything that I was experiencing. Both the designs of the emotions I had been suppressing, and the design of smoking used as an energetic veil as a coping mechanism to make myself ‘feel okay’. And then from there, I was able to begin applying specific Self Forgiveness on all the points where I had accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life in specific situations / moments, give myself away to the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, memories, wherein I had then accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned / programmed by my environment and by the situations I experienced, to develop certain patterns such as frustration, anger, blame, loathing, hatred – because I believed that emotions, thoughts, feelings, reactions, memories are ‘who I am’. So, I began to see how, in my past, within for example social situations, I had never really been there as myself, supporting myself, assisting myself, in awareness, but had been in my mind, taking things personally, and forming beliefs and ideas, blame and judgment, leading to frustration, anger, loathing, etc – participating in the definitions I had already accepted, mainly being that ‘who I am’ is supposed to be in relationships with people who I ‘get along with’ – it is ‘normal’ to be ‘part of a social group’, and to ‘get attention from others’, and to ‘be accepted by others’. I mean, I had already defined Acceptance in separation of myself, as something that must be given to me by someone else, within this stating that Self Acceptance does not exist, and that now I must seek Acceptance from social groups. I mean, this is why I tried to fit in, and experience frustration, failure, anger, resentment, loathing, when I could not seem to fit in and find acceptance from social groups. Where then, this lead to me eventually designing smoking as my way of ‘fitting in’ and getting acceptance from social groups, as they accepted me as ‘a smoker’, and I could hide behind smoking and not really have to participate. So in the writing, and even more so now as I’ve just been writing this, lol, I began to see the exact nature of the emotions that started to come up when I stopped smoking, and was able to see how and where and why I created them, designed them within myself, as myself. And then within this I finally started to see why I had been so addicted to smoking, that being the point of using smoking as a way to suppress and cope with my emotions, and feel okay with myself and my world.
So, I applied Self Forgiveness on all the points where I had given myself away to my self created designs of emotions as anger, loathing, hatred, blame in relation to ‘fitting in’, and ‘social groups’, and ‘finding acceptance’, as well as Self Forgiveness on the points of the experience of smoking I had designed, where I had given myself away to the experience of ‘feeling okay’, and ‘coping’, and ‘stabilizing myself’ through smoking, wherein I realized I had never really been ‘okay’, or ‘stable’ in fact, because I had merely created these things as a projected energetic experience as the polarity opposite of the ‘negative’ emotions I was experiencing / suppressing as anger, loathing, frustration, etc. So, I saw this polarity I had been accepting and allowing in myself, using smoking as the ‘positive point’ as the apparent solution to the ‘negative point’ as emotions – within this not actually dealing with the points obviously, merely creating a coping system that required my continuous participation in smoking in order to ‘feel okay’, and ‘maintain stability’. An obvious fuck up. So, in applying Self Forgiveness on all these points, I began to release myself from the energetic possession as the polarity of ‘experiencing the positive as smoking through suppressing the negative as emotions’, and it was literally like I removed a veil from me eyes, because I could see why and how all this time I had been experiencing what I had been experiencing. And I mean, writing and Self Forgiveness is able to be applied in relation to all experiences and all aspects of one’s life / one’s world, to get to such points of clarity and self understanding, to finally emerge from the fog of emotional possession and see what is really going on!
But, once I applied writing and Self Forgiveness and finally got to a point of clarity and understanding about my experience with smoking, and was able to release myself from the energetic possession that I had accepted and allowed, there remained another point to be walked. Because, once I removed the energetic, mind experience of ‘being okay’, and ‘being able to interact with others’ utilizing smoking as a coping mechanism, I was left with the point of — well, how do I now interact with people?? How do I walk my day, going from situation to situation, interacting with people, without smoking? Because I mean when you look at the common sense of it — I had been functioning only within my mind as energetic experiences for years, and had designed my entire participation with others around the point of smoking as an energetic veil of suppression and control to feel okay with myself. So – what does this mean now that I had removed the veil, and stopped smoking? Well, now I was faced with the point of actually learning how to move myself, direct myself in my world, within my interactions – not as a point of energy, but….as myself. I had to literally learn how to express myself, how to interact with others as a point of Self Directed Self Expression, instead of as a point of self suppressed self manipulation and coping through smoking, lol.
So, this is a point that everyone will experience when you apply Self Forgiveness and release yourself from patterns you’ve been living with for years – patterns that have defined your participation in your world for years, for as long as you can remember: you’ll now be faced with a point of walking into the unknown. Because, all I ever knew was energy, was my own mind, was a coping mechanism, was a pattern – an idea about interacting with others. I now was faced with the point of realizing ahhhhhh – now I have to actually stand up and make the decision to live and express here in every moment, in my world, within my interactions, and this isn’t something that I ‘know’ how to do. I mean, I ‘knew’ that when I smoked, I would feel better. But now that the ‘feeling better’ system was removed, I was just left with myself within this point of blankness, of now knowing how to participate. Now this can be difficult, because even after applying Self Forgiveness, it is easy to re-create the patterns and go back into them — because, you still ‘know how’ to do that. So, the point is that I now I had to remain Here, as Breath, in every moment – and direct myself to not go into my mind and re-create the same patterns. I now had to walk, moment by moment, situation by situation, and actually move myself in Self Expression. And this is a process of getting to ‘know’ myself not as knowledge, not as a pattern that I ‘know how to participate in’ within my mind, but as a real knowing. As a Self-Familiarity, where I am now able to begin exploring me in Self Expression – I mean, how do I like to express myself now that I am free from the pattern? What is my natural way of expressing myself? So, what I am doing is literally creating myself as a real being for the first time – wherein I am physically manifesting myself in every moment in actual Self Expression Equal and One as Who I Am as Life – not Equal and One to Who I had accepted and allowed myself to be as patterns, within my mind. It’s kind of like Pinnochio, where I am ‘becoming a real boy’, lol, from the perspective that I am literally transforming and changing myself from a self-programmed, self-designed system of energetic participation through and as the mind, to a real being of actual living substance that unconditionally Expresses Here in every moment. I mean, to really change is to in essence die as what I once was. Which is what I experienced, wherein now I am able to birth myself in actual Self Expression. The part that can be difficult is in stopping the memories that will tend to pop up, which will for example trigger a momentary desire to smoke, because I mean, I spent years programming myself to want to smoke, and the desire to smoke was always only based on the memory that it ‘worked before’, I mean the whole coping mechanism as smoking to ‘feel better’, was just me repeating one experience of the past over and over again – that’s what a pattern is. It was never me actually ‘enjoying myself’, it was me enjoying an energetic experience with a beginning and an end, which I merely repeated over and over again through the act of smoking cigarettes.
So, when I’ve since experienced the ‘desire to smoke’, I mean it’s always only as a result of a memory that pops up – a picture in my mind of me smoking. And within that I’ve seen that, oh okay the desire to smoke only exists because I still attach value to this memory, I’m still wanting to repeat this memorized moment of smoking. So, all that’s required to be done there is to simply Breathe, see the desire is being caused by the memory, and then breathe out the memory, letting the energy flow out of my body through Breathing. Literally breathing out the past as the mind as memories as knowledge, and Breathing myself back Here as Life. I mean, and this is not just related to smoking, this is the same thing that will be experienced in relation to all kinds of other patterns, memories, desires. The point is to see and understand the pattern through writing it out, and seeing the construct it exists as, to then be able to see all the points where Self Forgiveness is required, to give myself back to myself, in seeing that I had accepted and allowed myself to give myself away to the mind as a self-designed pattern, and then write out the common sense Self Correction that is required, and being walking the Self Correction in fact, in every moment, remaining Here as Breath to Breathe through any memories that arise, and let them go, letting the past go so that I am Free to be Here and create / birth / manifest myself in actual Self Expression as Life, to be free from the prison of the past forever.